Sheila's Posts

Due to how unreliable and inconsistent search engines are at connecting Hudson Valley Aspergers with Aspies of the Round Table on its blog hosted by Google (called ‘blogspot’), this post will hopefully act as a link to get searchers the results they may be looking for (since this blog’s host and software is more efficient than Google’s).

The term Aspies of the Round Table was chosen to reflect the same principle behind the Knights of the Round Table, → “The table at which they met was created to have no head or foot, representing the equality of all the members.”

Another reason for its name is the option its acronym gives. Those who want to be honest and vague about where they are going when coming to this group, have the option of saying, “I’m going to an ART group.” It may be easier for some to say that rather than, “I’m going to an autism spectrum support group.” Even though support is gained by attending this group, it’s healthier to think of it as being more like a club or friends getting together. People will more likely associate the term Aspies with the noble term Knights. After all, neuro-A-typicals need all the respect they can get.

It appears that ART is the only group in existence for adults on the autism spectrum between New York City and Albany. It was hoped that the url http://hudsonvalleyaspergers.blogspot.com would show up at the top of the list for the search terms “Hudson Valley Aspergers.” Sometimes it gets listed, but most of the time it doesn’t seem to. Sometimes the term “Aspies of the Round Table” doesn’t even yield the result it should, but usually it does. Maybe this post won’t fix the search engine problem, but unless I try, I won’t know.

Another interesting correlation is that Hudson Valley is becoming known as the hub for artists and cultural achievements. What better name then is there for the Aspie culture located in the Hudson Valley region than ART?

It was two years ago at 9:50 pm EST (in 2007) when I first discovered I’m an Aspie! I can’t remember all the sites which connected the dots for me, but I do remember Wikipedia and WrongPlanet being the most influential help.

All my life I wondered why people treated me differently than almost everyone else. I didn’t think I looked abnormal, but I did think I talked a bit strange. Even though my voice sounds unlike most others, it didn’t seem possible for that alone to be the reason for my life-long mystery. I thank God for His answering that prayer of mine before my life here on earth was over!

Since there are no words to describe that event two years ago, there is nothing more for me to say here.

The most universal first impression I’m known for giving is timidity. Aspies are known to be generally more fearful and anxious than neurotypicals as it is, but what really curses this trait is how misleading it can be. I can understand how self-confident people do not look timid, but what most others don’t realize is that when someone looks timid it does not necessarily mean that he lacks confidence. Usually, an Aspie’s confidence is viewed as arrogance (probably because of having to overcompensate for appearing timid?).

There are two main things to consider with timidness.

Here is the first one:

Confidence means reliability and trust. Almost everyone thinks self-confidence is admirable, so when someone comes along who seems to lack this trait most others have, self-confident people will usually relax a bit too much and may start acting haughty towards someone humble. You can’t be humble and self-confident. To be self-confident requires faith in believing that self is noble, grand, and a being to be proud of. Being humble however cannot happen without an opposite faith — one that knows to beware of relying on self, especially since it’s so easy to deceive one’s own self when you want something to be a particular way.

Here is the second one:

I’ll explain by using flirting as an example. Neurotypicals can easily be flirtatious, if and/or when they want. It’s impossible for me to flirt. I have no clue how to do it. My inability to flirt is because I cannot be self-conscious. When I come across as being timid, it’s because I’m well aware that I lack the social skills necessary to join the neurotypical culture. When the situation is reversed, NTs become timid. They know they don’t have the social skills to join the Aspie culture, especially since they rely so much on hearing fluctuations in voice tones and animation in facial expressions. NTs can easily feel self-conscious when they can’t know what effect their words are having upon an Aspie. It would probably be like making an NT play poker at a table occupied only with robots under human skin.

NTs have less to be cautious about when the majority of people think and act like they do. Because I’m aware of the consequences that come along with being the way that I am in this world, I’m conditioned to respond to social situations with extraordinary apprehension.¹ I know what can go wrong socially that will have a negative affect on my life. Since most others can live their entire life without ever having this experience, there is no reason for them to feel this anxious and/or timid around people.

NTs need as much theory of mind for Aspies as Aspies need theory of mind for NTs. NTs have trouble to understand and respect that Aspies cannot and don’t even want to think like NTs do. Why else would Aspies be put under pressure to ‘perform’ for NTs in a way that pleases them (translation?→ behave neurotypical). With all the books, people, media, etc. making Aspergers sound like a mental illness, society is NOT improving things for Aspies. Improvement is only possible if a major change happens towards the way that Aspies are perceived. I have to ALWAYS pay attention to how people will interpret me. NTs also pay attention to what impression they’re giving of themselves towards others, BUT the difference for them is that the stakes are no where near as high because they already ‘fit’ since they can automatically play roles like being a flirt or look as if they like someone when in reality they don’t. NTs easily alter what impressions they make to accommodate their social needs and/or wants. Since this is unnatural for Aspies, they will appear uniformly to everyone regardless of who they’re with or what situation they’re in. With that being the case, how can Aspies stop getting judged inaccurately?

Even though I am aware of being misjudged, that does not mean I know how to perform in a way that would decrease incorrect assessments made of me. I never will be able to end impressing others as being very timid. It’s because people by nature make judgments and, because of pride, they are not going to want to admit how horrible their decoding skills are when it comes to interpreting my oral and non-verbal communication. Because how you say something is more important than what you say, and most people don’t know how to hear an Aspie correctly, it’s only natural for non-medicated intelligent Aspies to approach social settings the same way wild deer (which have wisdom) approach strange people.

I can’t act. If I don’t like someone, it shows. However, if I do like someone, that might not show. In order for me to come across friendly (even though I may sincerely like someone), I might have to be a good actress. The reason for that is because those who don’t know me, also do not know what my friendliness looks like. Unfortunately, as soon as a wrong judgment is made (that first impression), it’s almost impossible to change. A new impression (to erase the wrong one) has to be forced to happen. A perfect example of that is with my husband. When he first knew me, he thought he knew me and he had no idea how wrong he was about me. It took years of living with me (and me constantly explaining myself) before he could begin to realize how incorrect his original judgment of me was. If you think my example is normal of married couples, you need to know how backwards my marriage is. It’s as if my husband divorced me when we first met, and then after many years of being together, we end up married.

¹The way that society is cultured is to be blamed for this.

Two weeks of foolishly waiting for the dentist’s office to notify me of my x-ray results confirmed my decision to cancel the appointment yesterday that was scheduled for the end of this week with the dental hygienist mentioned in my Two Too Much post. It would not have mattered even if they did call me. My body has its own agenda. When I don’t obey my intuition, there often seems to be an alternative back-up system ready to take over. In this particular case of ignoring my immediate gut instinct to have as little to do with this dental hygienist as possible, along with allowing her to ‘push’ me into making another appointment for what could possibly only amount to another stressful ‘discussion’, caused my body to rebel. I guess my physical health figured that if I can ignore my mental health by subjecting myself to a person who is not conducive to my well-being, then my body must have figured that the temporary removal of its physical health ought to command enough attention for helping to remind me of this life-long pattern I have.

Before being too quick to use the word ‘coincidence’ for describing the timing of getting sick with a cold, I might need to add that my history for catching colds over the past couple of decades amounts to an approximate total of five colds. (I already started ranting about the topic of politics within the medical community in my How about coverage for coverage? post, so I won’t get into that here.) I refer to our contemporary times as ‘PP’ days, since there is a pill and/or program for any inconvenient disorder in existence that someone can gain from financially.

I remember the last time there was a full moon — January 10th at 10:27 P.M. It was snowing outdoors. I was sleigh riding untiringly for hours in that naturally bright evening light.

Single digit temperatures are not uncomfortable if you’re dressed warm enough, but it’s okay by me that neighbors would argue differently since it’s attitudes like theirs which keep the outdoors during winter nights so quiet! I never would have imagined that 1½ weeks later I would be feeling as crappy as I do now.

What I find weird is how often I can be exposed to what would cause most people to get sick, but yet I don’t get affected. But then there are other situations which seem to guarantee destruction to my immune system. It makes sense that Aspies, being naturally extra-sensitive towards most things, would also be more greatly affected by negative social encounters than most neurotypicals probably are.

Here is a recent photo captured in front of my mac as I began to feel a cold settling in to visit for awhile. Usually whenever a new photo manages to crop me, most likely I’m not in my ‘normal’ state of being. Yes, if I wore at least some make-up I wouldn’t look so bland and it would cause my blue eyes to command more attention, but should I dye my hair too like I’ve been told? Never! My advice? Be thankful for what God gives you… even old age and all the grey hairs that accompany it!

I wonder what the consequences will be for me at the beginning of next month, if I get to serve as a trial juror? It probably won’t be stressful because I doubt the court will want an Aspie juror. The last time I went during their selection process it was obvious to me how such things aren’t much different from the times when team captains chose members and I was always the last to get picked. Most people don’t want to serve as a juror. I’d love to, but don’t ever get beyond being like quiet wall paneling in a courtroom that just takes up space.

I don’t remember specifically what questions get asked to jurors (it was many years ago), but I do remember thinking (after listening to dozens of people responding) I don’t think at all like these other people here.

God is not like man. He has no need for sleep, never looks the other way, is fully aware of everything, and is sovereign. Let the whole world collapse and mankind destroy himself. It just might be God’s will. No thought that man can have is beyond God’s control. This means the whole world is ultimately subject to God’s kingdom.

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” — Romans 8:28

God said in Proverbs 21:1, — ”The king’s heart is in the hand of the LORD, as the rivers of water: he turneth it whithersoever he will.” and in —  1 Corinthians 14:33, — ”For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints.”

Indecision can be a spiritual battle; not much unlike a cartoon with an angel sitting on one shoulder and the devil on the other — each side trying to dominate. The answer? …summarized by John W. Ritenbaugh,

All that matters is God is sovereign. With this understanding, we can truly live by faith, knowing God is ruling His creation. That is what we are here to learn and trust.

Before judging Romeo and Juliet to be the greatest tear inducing love story put on film, try getting a copy of Buster and Billie to watch. Meanwhile, listen to Billie’s Theme by Hoyt Axton. ↓

I don’t know if the song has the same impact as it would if the movie was seen first. It shouldn’t matter because the story is so emotionally powerful that once you’ve experienced it, the music will always stir your soul. Here are clips from the movie. ↓

 The music is dramatically different from Billie’s Theme. However, it still goes well with the images!

Joan Goodfellow is such an amazing actress in this film! [She is the blonde with curly hair.] Jan-Michael Vincent isn’t bad to look at either! If you want to read a brief summary of the plot first, don’t let it spoil your decision to see this 1974 masterpiece. I’m sure there are some who don’t fully appreciate love stories like this one, but those who do will be impressed!

After writing yesterday’s post, I started remembering other situations when I had the rare opportunity to have another caring person with me during occasions when strangers insulted me. Pooling these instances together causes me to wonder how I should deal with rude people when I cross paths with them. I know there is nothing I can do to help neurotypicals lacking the theory of mind necessary for them to treat me with the same respect I observe them giving towards others of their own kind.

The two most destructive misjudgments people [offline] too often jump to assuming about me are:

1.) I’m mentally slow [retarded].

2.) I’m self-delusional; not honest/accurate.

If those two things were true, that would create a lot of inconsistencies. For starters, I wouldn’t have discovered that there was just about nothing I couldn’t teach my son to prepare him for college while homeschooling him. I find that impressive considering the lousy job my teachers accomplished when trying to educate me. I got the basics in school, but didn’t really excel until I began teaching myself. No one helped me even once in all the years I was homeschooling—mostly because I avoided people due to social reasons. After I was finished with educating him, the college he entered invited him to join Phi Theta Kappa. I can’t count how many times I’ve had to rely on figuring out things for myself because of other people being wrong; being either unable to see it or unwilling to admit it. That’s interesting my life would end up this way considering how I was so desperate for acceptance that I allowed people to treat me as if I was dimwitted.

As for my being self-delusional, that’s something that was only partly true. The only part I didn’t have right about myself was with my intellectual abilities. I accepted being told I was stupid. That self-deception probably matched the delusions others had about me. Now that I’m older and wiser, I (and a few rare others) have noticed that only a remnant (typically those in the top 2% range of the IQ scale) tend to judge me accurately with their first impression of me. That explains why most people are so frustrating to me. I’m sure the reverse is also true.

Yesterday my husband¹ reminded me that most people are not going to believe what I say. If people think I’m blunt, I’ll quote his words as to why others have trouble with trusting my thoughts:

“Most people are not going to believe you, because they’re too stupid to understand what you’re saying.”

If that’s the case, then he is only partially right since he neglects to mention something very important. Because people judge others more by what they observe non-verbally and they don’t even know they’re dealing with an Aspie when one is standing right in front of them (let alone having any clue about how differently Aspies think compared to NTs!), it’s impossible for most Aspies to not expect bigoted behavior from a lot of NTs (especially those who are ignorant over how little they know).

The only reason someone’s intelligence level is a factor of consideration for me is because it usually affects the way he or she will behave towards me. Since very young children and animals don’t behave like so-called ‘grownups’, they’re not usually any problem for me socially.

I do not like having this post published. It makes me uncomfortable. I’m hoping that I don’t delete this post in spite of how it makes me feel, because I think it is important for society to read truths they’re not going to find in a book, get taught in a college class, or hear on television or the radio. The reason things like what I’m saying here will not get circulated out into the public is because of what Leta Stetter Hollingworth noted about the way intelligence factors into society:

Those at the highest end of the intelligence scale characterize a strong desire for personal privacy, seldom volunteer personal information, do not like to have attention called to their families and homes, and are afraid of the potential ramifications of being labeled as “special” in society.

Am I preaching to the choir? If so, I’ll gladly stop!

¹The primary reason why my husband has endured over two decades of marriage to me is because of my honesty.

Socializing online for an Aspie can improve his or her social skills offline. From a self-centered neurotypical’s perspective, most likely no improvement would be seen. In fact, as an independent thinking adult Aspie learns about social behavior through the combination of what’s observed about socializing online versus offline, it is possible that most NTs would even say that a non-conformist Aspie’s social skills decrease in correlation to the increase of knowledge about the way NT’s socialize. On the flip side, educated (enough to understand about Asperger’s Syndrome) NTs who love an Aspie the same way as they love their own self, can see how an Aspie improves him or her self in social situations offline by the added information gained from what’s observed online.¹

The more intelligent (and probably older) an Aspie is, the less likely he or she will want to conform, because of being able to see the whole picture (even better than what almost any NT can!). This could explain the whys behind What Oddballs Are and also why they live longer and are happier. I received a recent reminder of why professionals in the medical field would not be interested in such information as what I copied and pasted about eccentrics from David Weeks’ interview here:

In Great Britain, where health care is free, the average person goes to the doctor twice a year, while eccentrics will typically go for eight or nine years without seeking medical help. It’s not that they’re avoiding doctors or don’t believe in conventional medicine. They just don’t need it much.

It’s a combination of an optimistic outlook and low stress, due to the fact that eccentrics don’t feel the need to conform. Eccentrics don’t give a hoot what the rest of the world thinks of them; if someone makes-fun of them, instead of getting angry or embarrassed, they regard the other person as the one with a problem. In fact, eccentrics revel in the fact that they make people laugh. Another nice benefit is that they may have slightly higher levels of growth hormone, which can postpone some of the ailments associated with old age, such as osteoporosis and muscle atrophy.

Eccentricity is a choice. It’s quite true that everyone has eccentric traits, but as we grow older, most of us learn to conform, to blend in — the process we call socialization. But the eccentric says, “No, thank you,” and chooses not to conform. Often it is triggered by an event in childhood, when the budding eccentric consciously makes — the choice to be different from the other kids.

As for myself, I did not consciously choose to be different. In fact, I tried to be ‘normal’ for the first five decades of my life. It’s no wonder that never worked and cannot ever work! I’m not normal and I’m not embarrassed to say so! I am NOT saying that normal people are inferior to eccentric Aspies. I’m saying we’re different and should be respected for our differences. The key word here is ‘respect’.

The recent reminder I received happened when I honored my son’s dentist appointment by going in his place rather than canceling it at the last minute. He was going in for a routine cleaning and checkup, which is what I thought I’d receive when I went. Wrong! What did I get instead? Bullied. I didn’t get my teeth cleaned or even looked at. I basically got an hour long lecture about how ‘educated’ dental hygienists are. If that wasn’t bad enough, I paid $100 out of my own pocket for x-rays of which I haven’t yet heard any report about.

I’m thankful that my [grownup NT] daughter was also at the dentist’s office with me. She observed everything from the moment we arrived to when we left. I rarely get to have my suspicions confirmed, so her being there enabled that. I didn’t ask her anything. She was so impressed over what she witnessed that she had to tell me about it as soon as we left the office.

My daughter said that as soon as the dental hygienist saw me, she immediately misjudged me as being ‘mentally slow’. She also said that the hygienist was totally mind blind over how demeaning she was behaving towards me. No wonder I feel like people insult me almost all the time face-to-face!… it is because that is what they are doing! According to how my daughter explained what was going on, I apparently give off an aura that tempts arrogant people (i.e., most ‘professionals’ and/or those with ‘authority’) to bully me.

In a nutshell, what’s good for me isn’t good for them [those who want to control the way I think]. When I do what’s good for me, naturally those who don’t care about me will ignorantly interpret my decisions about self-care as being self-destructive, arrogant, ignorant, stupid, stubborn, unfriendly, and rebellious simply because they are way off base with their interpretation of me. As much as they try to hide their opinion from me, their actions always reveal what they really are thinking.

My daughter viewed me as being unaware of what the dental hygienist was up to when she had my submissive attention for an hour. It might have looked like I was blind to what she was doing because of my habit of trying to be nice, but underneath that composure, my anger level was slowly increasing the longer she talked. I grew up with people trying to give me the impression that when things don’t go ‘normal’, it’s always my fault. My daughter said this hygienist was able to bully me because she knew I would ‘tolerate’ her degrading attitude.

I asked my daughter if there was anything I could do differently so I can avoid having to tolerate unfair treatment by those with an upper hand of control. She told me there is not anything I can do to stop people from treating me crappy. That information could sound quite depressing, but actually it isn’t. The reason it is not is because I have finally learned that in almost every lousy situation, it really is the other person who is the one with a problem!

A meek person turns the other cheek instead of returning evil for evil. Because I love being meek due to knowing I’m in God’s will by being so, I shall continue being ‘nice’ for the rest of my life. Since I’m not God and cannot change how rude other people are, I now know to be extra cautious about who I come into contact with and how. I must stay as far away from situations that give other people a sense of power and/or control whenever I detect being misjudged (which is just about all the time).

I’m not going to choose to be normal or different. That’s insanity, because insanity is the practice of self-deception. No one should practice being someone they are not. Genuine happiness demands being true to self. The younger I was, the happier I was until other people started to try and tell me how I should be. After turning my life over into God’s hands, I began to reverse the damage done by society to me.

Having my intuition (suspicions) confirmed, by people like my daughter and husband (who get to see me in a variety of situations), sets me free to fully enjoy being a recluse. Society creates a problem by perpetuating the myth that reclusive characters must be lonely and need help. That happens when sheeple aggressively project their own thoughts and feelings upon others.

The online community respects me because they don’t have the opportunity to create a wrong judgment before getting to know me. Once a wrong judgment is made, it’s almost impossible to change that. It can be done, but the problem is rarely will individuals humble themselves by admitting they are wrong and have made a mistake (especially once they’ve gotten feel like they’re in the alpha position when socially relating to me). How can hope exist when the majority of people are neurotypicals who are mind blind over how they present themselves to Aspies?! There is no need for them to examine themselves when they’ve got most of the world on their side whenever there are disagreements over the way Aspies should behave socially.

Too many already think that Aspies like me are the ones who have a problem and will not admit being wrong. It is no wonder then that eccentrics are happiest when left to themselves, especially when others cannot understand those who think differently.

Aspies don’t function in packs [herds, flocks, cliques, etc.] like neurotypicals do. How long will it take (or can it even ever happen?!) before society ‘gets’ this?

¹An Aspie’s social improvement comes from learning to simply give up on most people because they can’t and don’t want to know about someone who doesn’t fit into their idea of how a person should be and to live by the Miranda warning‘s principle:

Aspies [You] have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a neurotypically controlled society [court of law]. You have the right to have an understanding neurotypical who loves you [attorney] present during questioning. If you cannot find [afford] anyone who loves you [an attorney], one [will] NOT be appointed for you. Do you understand these rights?

Taken from Sally Holloway’s interesting article How to spot a true oddball, I’ll zip down to THE OFFBEAT INDEX of Dr Weeks’s 15 characteristics of eccentrics, in descending order of frequency (the first five apply to virtually every eccentric):

1  Non-conformity

2  Creative

3  Strongly motivated by curiosity

4  Idealistic

5  Happily obsessed with one or more hobby horses (usually 5 or 6)

6  Awareness that he/she is different from early childhood

7  Intelligent

8  Opinionated and outspoken

9  Non-competitive

10 Unusual eating habits or living arrangements

11 Not very interested in the opinions or company of others, except to persuade them of the “correct” point of view

12 Mischievous sense of humour

13 Single

14 Eldest or only child

15 Bad speller weddings as being far too messy

I need to point out an extra tidbit for number 13′s being ‘single’. It is possible to be more single married than single. Number 15 has me confused because I don’t know what a bad speller wedding is. Is it when two people who are bad spellers get married, because having one bad speller is messy enough so two would only double the mess?

Golly… if articles like Ms. Holloway’s on oddballs can’t get people to understand why there are some who think being ‘normal’ is actually a ‘disorder’ then I guess the gap might be bigger than I thought! Neurotypicals tend to fit the description of neurotics more than Aspies do, which would beautifully explain why society would like to alter the way most Aspies prefer to live rather than try to understand them and accept [better yet→ appreciate!] whatever differences exist. Here’s another piece from this mentioned article:

One of Dr Weeks’s most vexing diagnostic tasks was to distinguish between eccentricity and neurosis. “Simply put,” he says, “neurotics are miserable because they think they’re not as good as everyone else, while eccentrics know they’re different and glory in it.”